I need some1 who comprehends my mind::~

Feels my emotions::~

Shields my heart::~

Embrace my happiness::~

& live my life with me::~

*
*
*

I need a twin::~

My lost soul::~

I am supposed to feel happy::~
I am supposed to be whole::~
With a loving and happy family::~
With a wonderful significant half::~
With an amazing always-and-forever-there-4-me bestie::~
I am grateful::~
But yet::~
My heart is sour::~
Aching from the pain from being drenched in loneliness::~
Perhaps it is because I am not suffering from stress of any kind::~
No study stress::~
No work stress::~
I am too free::~
With too much time::~
Time to ponder on things that may not have been important in the past::~
But definitely now::~
When I have time to finally hear my thoughts and doubts::~
You see::~
I am bothered::~
Bothered by the thoughts of "What if's"::~
"What if my parents were right~??"
"What if my future is not going to turn out the way I expected it to be~??"
"What if I'm living a lie~??"
Alright::~
I'll come out clean about the problem::~
It's about Simon::~
I guess he doesn't come here anymore::~
I rarely do::~
I just need someone::~
Or something to tell this to::~
I am a person who prefers to express wholeheartedly::~
In black and white::~
I hardly choose to express by speech::~
I don't have such courage::~
and I realize that I might be irritating those around me with thoughts of Simon::~
I do not want them to bear this burden of mine::~
Anyhow::~
I'm releasing this burden here::~
Although knowing full well that there will be no outcome whatsoever::~
Here it is::~
You see::~
I truly did fall in love::~
I'm being realistic here::~
So, no, it's not the love-at-first-sight scenario::~
It's the I-grow-into-loving-you scenario::~
My emotional walls crumble when you wanted me to::~
I let you enter into my heart's realms::~
Let you be a part of me::~
I relied on you::~
Even though I know I shouldn't::~
I know that I cannot be so dependent::~
It would one day hurt me in return::~
And now::~
I'm in a adapting-to-grow-out-from-you situation::~
It's supposed to be a good thing really::~
Cuz he's been transforming nowadays::~
It's been hard to put myself in his shoes::~
I feel like he's being difficult to me::~
I'm suffocating::~
and I'm afraid this will cause me to lose the part of me who loves him::~
I used to cry and think that it was a huge deal::~
But now I'd cry and not be bothered::~
I'm not caring as much now::~
Is this independence~??
Or am I just losing my grip on loving him~??
I don't know::~
He'd make me really happy at times::~
I'd think that I'm really lucky to have him::~
But truly::~
I'd really want him to just make me fall in love again::~
It's been rough lately for us::~
and, all traces of romance is gone::~
I just know I'm SUPPOSED to care for his feelings::~
SUPPOSED to maintain and upkeep the relationship::~
SUPPOSED to say and meant "I'll love you, forever and ever"::~
but even now I'm emotionally strained from our situation::~
And we just dated for only a year now::~
I don't know::~
Maybe I'm not up to his expectations::~
Or he's not up to mine::~
And my inner child is giving me a rough time::~
Or maybe we're too different::~
We can cope now::~
But in the future~??
When tensions are high and true colours show themselves::~
And when our "self-proclaimed love" cant sustain peace::~
What then~??
Do we stop going down the same path together~??
*
*
*
Alright::~
So::~
That's the tale::~
Now::~
Can someone tell me how to put them into words~??
So I can tell him::~
And we can resolve this::~
And live happily ever after~??

爱情

Thxx 4 da memories::~

Dear diary::~
haha::~
I've nvr written in my diary since I wuz five::~
anywayz::~
Its to someone close to me::~
so its::~
Dear someone close to me::~
okayy::~
I havta stop crappin'::~
well, its not easy to tell you that we're driftin' apart::~
we've nvr been in da same class b4::~
(except in tuition)
*well, that wuz fun::~
but now we're goin' our own direction::~
*but sooner or later our jobs will be da same::~
(^.^)
anywayz::~
juz wanna say that I'll alwayz miss us::~
Its not like I dun wan us to grow up::~
but I believe that we can still be together::~
I'm glad we're that close b4::~
any closer and we'll be co-joined twins::~
remember that testiee I sent you~??
"Here's to nights that turned into mornings :: and to frends that turned into family"
we shud drink to that 1 day::~
& Thxx 4 da memories::~
all of them::~
I bet we can make more of them::~
We're still young rite~??
We still have bout 60++ years ahead::~
hopefully::~
and I'm still waiting 4 u to be legal and all::~
haha::~

Love,
Mel

Progressing in me::~

Sometimes it takes perfection just to be good::~
and I'm trying to forward towards it::~
So that my dreams will come true::~
Only then, I'll be truly happy::~

Hearts have to be torn,
only then its walls will heal and strengthen,
and pump stronger beats::~

Sweetness::~

If there's a new word for being glad::~
im a Glad'ni-ty-ous gurl now::~
haha::~
random-ni-ty::~
*~*thxx to my dong-gua::*~*

I'm sorry::~

I feel so useless

Hearing you cry and I cant do anything to help::~

I've wondered::~

Where did it go wrong~??

Where were the signs~??

How could we not forsee them~??

I feel its my fault::~

I should have warned you not to fully commit::~

now its too late::~

I dunno how to save you from this emotional mess::~

But now all I can do is to guide and accompany you to cross over::~

away from dis dark cloud of misery::~

back to where you were cheerful::~

They say its easier said than done::~

but if you cant even say it, then it'll be impossible::~

you're stronger than you think::~

I know you can do it::~

and you'll have backup too::~

Love advice::~ How to handle arguements 101

Chyi asked me:: If they (guyz) are wrong, why should we be so good to them~?
I said :: Cuz they dunno that they're wrong till you tell them that your heart's bleeding and that you're sick and tired of being the one maintaining the relationship::~
then when they feel bad (or not, cuz then they'll argue back and hurt our hearts SOMORE, in that case call your pals and stop communicating with them cuz it'll only make things WORSE, talk another day when you guyz start missing each other again or if he apologizes 1st)
well, if they do noe they're wrong and hopefully beg for forgiveness, dont hold your grudge too long, men dont have much patience, you'll just end up arguing::~
if they brush the problem off ::~ if you're right, commence the silent treatment::~ (it's emotional blackmail, they want your attention too::~)::~ borrow your frends' shoulders to cry on::~
if you're wrong, brush it off too::~ hence, solving the deadlock (shelve the problem)::~
If he commences the lots of scolding and threats treatment or the silent treatment and compromising just wont do::~ shut down (dont absorb the scolding and threats, they're NOT TRUE) depend on yur frends and family::~ if he's a man and he loves you, he'll ask you to go back to him & bear the responsibilities of maintaining your relationship::~ but if he's a coward and definitely has no qualifications to take care of you or the relationship (cuz he doesn't noe that ALL GIRLS NEED LOVE, CARE, SECURITY and SUPPORT) then why ARE YOU STILL MOPPING AROUND 4 HIM~??????????????????????????

Dont dictate How I should think or feel~!!!

Cuz you dun noe wad happened::~
and you don't own me::~
Its my mind and heart::~
Don't force me to feel or think otherwise::~

M-E-N

My opinion of them::~
Well, they think between their legs::~
have no clue about replying msgs::~
or replying calls 4 that matter::~
and if we're understanding enuf to allow them to throw tantrums occasionally::~
they take advantage::~
if we talk rationally::~
they'll shut down and say we nag too much::~
if we care too much::~
they'd say we're vry ma fan and treat it as a joke (just to save their ego)::~
we'd just smile and hope that he'll noe we cared::~
if they care too much, we absorb, feel vry happy and ensure that they get the msg that "we noe you care, we love you too.."::~
and if we react less exaggerated, they lao gai::~
say we dun care::~
and at the end of the day, we'd have to zhao them::~
I'm telling you::~
in relationships, we work harder than them::~
that's why we cry more::~
care more::~
and work hard to show them that we care more::~ (cuz they're emotionally blind, if you dont show them you care straight in their face, they won't notice it::~)
why cant it be the other way around~??
you men just take us for granted::~

I'm giving him till 9pm:~

If he still doesn't respond in any way::~
His house better be burning by now or I'm gonna do it myself::~

Simon -> London = heartbreak

Simon msg-ed me dis morning::~
told me he's going to London next year::~
then I reply-ed saying I dun understand::~
and it took him a few hours to reply me::~
with the same explanation::~
I'm going to London next year::~
I wuz like::~
yea..... i noe that, my english is fine tq
I jus wana noe why::~
I mean, doesn't he noe tha I'd be upset over the news::~?
and it would kill him to explain everything to me there and then~??
well, now i'd just have to stay upset all day::~
waiting to see if he bothers to explain and tell me wad happened~

Panic~??

I'm virtually scared::~
calling Simon later to tey* abit::~
Driving test tmr::~
ESL presentation on Tuesday::~(an i'm sooooo un-ready)
and Legals Draft on Friday::~(no interview / e-mail /... )
and the biggest worry:~
SIMON"S BDAY::~ Thursday~!!!
I'm soooooo packed~!!!!
Dunno wad to plan::~
(T^T)
save me~!!!!!
I feel like breaking down::~
all da stress is killing me::~

One step forward or two steps back~??

Yes::~
I'm havin' a dilemma::~
Had a late night chat again wid my love in Johor::~
Started wid an argument bout whether I shud go to Cheer 2007::~
told him it wuz da last time Chyi's gonna get to watch Cheer wid me::~
Cuz I' goin' to Aus next year::~
He got all upset bout me going to Aus::~
I want to be with him~!!
but all that motivational talk which I get froms my parents, teachers and frends have gotten into my head::~
so...
Pursuing my future is my 1st priority::~
I love him::~
and if his love for me is strong enough,
I'm hoping he'll wait for me::~
Cuz I would::~
but he has dis image of me which i dun like::~
he thinks I won't be loyal::~
& that just broke my heart::~
Well,
I'll just have to prove my love to him somore::~
now, i'm just worried to agree to him::~
Cuz I dun wanna prove my love to him that way::~
I dun wanna be like just any other gal::~
and I'm worried about how he'll think of me in the future::~
*sigh*

For us...

Had a late night chat wid my love...
Some truths were told...
Deeper understandings happened...
T'was my 1st time knowing hidden social behaviours...
Which I understand more of...

Gossip is a bad thing...
We cant live wid it and we cant live widout it...
Crapp~

Well,
I have a part in this relationship...
& I'll be responsible for it...
I'll mature to suit his needs...
To me ,
Its a part of growing up...
Learning...
Adjusting...
all that...

But it'll need time...
I need time...
Old habits die hard...
Forgive me if I'm abit stubborn...

I just want to be his perfect one...

My baby's goin to Johor~!!!

*sniffle*
Its 4am now::~
Juz finished my Genting post::~
Had a chat wid Simon b4 dat...
Well,
he's leaving me going to Johor...
to work::~
gain QS experience::~

I want him bacckk~!!!!!

30 days is a long long time::~
and my hols is supposed to be filled::~
wid him::~
and now~??
*sigh*

I'm not perfect but I'll try to be::~ 4 u~

Simon called...
Well, actually he called 1st and I left my phone downstairs...
So, I called him back...
Sry baby...
We chatted bout stuff...
::really, I dun mind goin' to CC~XD learnin' 2 enjoy it~ hopefully not addicted::
::and im sry I've been so "tey" lately *muaxsxs*::
::I'll promise I'll understand you better,
but if I can make things better, let me K~??::
bout da stuff we chatted,
da main topic wuz bout dat nite where he's gotten abit upset~
and I wuz abit lost for words~
(workin' on my gf skills)
He sed he went to someone else for help and comfort~
(when I cudn't provide any)
Well,
I dint mind much really...
( Its not his fault im such a dope in comforting ppl )
*sigh*
My ideal way to comfort him is to get myself next to him...
hold him close...
kiss him...
and tell him to hang on...
and that I'll always be there 4 him...
unfortunately::~
on da phone,
im literally HOPELESS::~
sry baby::~
Trying harder my best...
luv u...

"...I'll love noone else but you::~

..."
That wuz wad I posted on my friendster::~
Hope he'll understand::~

Got a scare when he asked me that question in his phone::~

*haihz...*
I'm soo lost in my thoughts::~

Kena FFK 3 times dis week~!!! =(

Ish ISh ISH~!!!

1st::
my bf (boy friend) FFK me on Tuesday~ he overslept ~cuz teman me whole nite ~ boil telephone porridge ::~ XD

2nd::
my bf (best friend) FFK me on Wednesday ~ she'd supposed to come after skool ~ but tak jadi cuz her class canceled d ~ (T^T)

3rd::
now~ my bf (boy friend) FFK me today ~ Thursday ~ he's STILL sleeping ~ I'm gonna die ~ raining somore ~ cannot go eat ~ (T.T) ~hungry::~ Later gt undang test~ *panics* ~ wish me luck ~

In need of love~from him

Simon's so sweet...
sent me heart dissolving messages-
My fav 1:
Baby... I miss u... I can't sleep.. Keep thinking bout u... Called u but You didn't pick up... Saddy.... Love u... Muakz...
*giggles*
XD...
luv u too~ (tons)

Pressure we all have...

My mother~
she loves me... i noe...
I love her...
But sometimes she can hurt me...
when i wuz younger... physically
now... emotionally

She thinks:
I don't take my studies seriously (heard that before...)
cuz i wuz here...
goin to blog bout our ice-skating trip in Pyramid...
then my mom comes along...
"I never see you study you noe...
I'm going to cancel your undang-lecture tmr...
I want you to go study now cuz tmr you're wasting 6 hours there (lecture) already...
I want you to sleep by 11:30 if not tmr cannot pass the exam...( huh? wad exam~?)........"

My explanation:
1. I AM studying... (except 4 my econs...dat is.. dun tell her)
(now acc just do stock system aso hav to bury myself in Ms. Yong's notes...)

2. Lecture d no exam 1...
They give you dis stupid book to practise THEN i sit 4 exam...

3. I napped for 3hrs d... (she noes dat and i have to sleep at 11:30 for~??)

So there...
she leaves me alone...
( but i still have to study acc till 11:30 )
=.="""
wad about Simon's call later~??
he went out makan wid frends...
today he went to Redbox...
lost da car in the carpark...
(not lost la... forgot where he parked it)
his frends and him...
searched for hours...
found it...
and his car key's battery died...
=.=""""""
forced open the car...
alarm went off...
tried to off it in da car...
failed...
dint know wad to do...
told his dad to bring extra keys...
went home late...
called me...
I woke up from my nap...
heard wad happened to my poor baby...
*muaxsxsxs*
said later he'll call...
at 2am...
must be after dota...

now goin' to study...
haihzz...

27/4/07

Simon called last night...
I slept d...
He miss-called 5 times...
then sent me a really nice msg...
"Baby.. I miss u... I can't sleep...
Keep thinking bout u...
Called but you dint pick up...
Saddy...
Love u...
Muakz..."
Awww...
he's makin me miss him...
but he cant teman me dis sat...
got frends' party...
T.T...
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
in college today,
Ms. Cherilyn "cheng" us McD's ice creams...
yummy~!!!!
Tq Ms Cherilyn~!!!
*muaxsxs*
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
msged Simon when i wuz goin' to Piramid to meet Chyi...
three times...
he nvr replied...
(turns out he's at da cc)
okayy...
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
so in piramid...
met Chyi skool pallies...
watched "Da hills hav eyes II"
not for da weak-hearted...
T^T...freaky movie...
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Tummy upset...
wanna puke...

From me~

New blog...
for my personal thoughts (thus, the title~)
or
my emo blog...
or
for crap-pation purposes...

Nonetheless...
a blog...
of me...
from me...
to~???